SCENARIO ONE: The Strictly Business Tour

Premise: Hanson is a grown-up band now, and they sure are going to act like it.

The Venue: Only the most famous or notorious clubs will house Hanson on this tour. Bonus points if the club launched the career of someone famous and respectable. Like Bruce Springsteen. Or Jonny Lang.

The Fans: No one under the age of 21 will be allowed within four miles of the show. This will be enforced with scrutiny. Despite vociferous protests from Zac, no overly revealing shirts will be permitted within the venue. And absolutely, positively no handmade Hanes tees.

The Set List: Mostly ballads. Nothing written before January 2002 will be performed. "MMMBop" is not a word in the Hanson administration's vocabulary. They will sing with their eyes closed, and take themselves very seriously.

The Attire: Wifebeaters? What are those?

Heard on Stage: "Zac, stop smiling! This is not supposed to be fun!"

Chances of This Scenario Coming to Fruition: The premise is good, but doing the rest would alienate, oh, 97% of their audience, so...not likely.

SCENARIO TWO: The Artist Promotion Tour

Premise: Hanson decides to help out their fellow man, and uses several mediums to generate public interest in bands that they find admirable.

The Venue: Several of these admirable bands will mysteriously show up during the last set list, prompting a huge musical shindig in which Taylor dances a lot and Ike tries way too hard to look cool.

The Fans: Many fans will quickly grow bored of Taylor's constant plugs for the latest LA alternative band. The preteens will scream, "we want 'MMMBop'!" and the older ones will wonder when they'll stop talking and actually play some damn music.

The Set List: A whole lot of cover songs. Ike will try to play "Harder to Breathe" before he realizes he's holding an acoustic guitar.

The Attire: Maroon 5 baseball tees, Bleu t-shirts...oh wait, this already happened.

Heard on Stage: The new Taylor Catch Phrase, "kick ass". Ike telling the audience who plays "like nobody's business". And Zac nodding in agreement.

Chances of This Scenario Coming to Fruition: Well, I bought Jonny Lang and Maroon 5 and am on my way to cashing in on Bleu. So yeah, it works. I'm a tool. Hanson knows this. Conclusively, this fictional scenario will almost assuredly become fact.

SCENARIO THREE: The Big Happy Family Tour

Premise: Taking advantage of the intimate settings, Hanson decides to give back and include the fans in every aspect of the show.

The Venue: Ashley Greyson will arrange the stage ahead of time so that Hanson is set in the middle of a massive circle of fans. No barriers required.

The Fans: Amazed at the fact that Taylor is so very close to them, and no one's stopping it, several fans work up the courage to finally tell him the things they've been waiting to tell him since 1997. Unfortunately, they are far too late.

The Set List: Viewer's choice. "Okay, we got 142 votes for 'Penny and Me,' 148 for 'Strong Enough to Break,' and...how many for 'Beautiful Eyes'? 10? Oh, alright, 'Strong Enough to Break' it is."

Heard on Stage: Ike chatting with the nearest fan about the musical direction of U2, Taylor sharing baby stories, and Zac looking extremely fearful.

Chances of This Scenario Coming to Fruition: Not a chance. They know us too well to put themselves in the dangerous position of being close to us.

SCENARIO FOUR: The Hanson...Unleashed! Tour

Premise: Taylor reads the MTV.com article posted after the IDJ split that mistakenly labels Underneath as Unleashed. Thinking that this might be a grand idea, he convinces the band to go with Unleashed instead of Underneath and, consequently, they embark on a wild tour filled with drugs, groupies, and bad hair.

The Venue: The backdrop is a giant poster of the anarchy symbol stolen from last Thursday's New Found Glory concert. Only converted into a Hanson symbol.

The Fans: Leather chaps? Why, sure, go ahead backstage.

The Set List: Isaac will be unable to complete even the shortest song due to alcohol-induced slurring. He eventually passes out. Taylor smiles awkwardly and tries to get the fans to join him in a chorus of "This Time Around." Most of the time, Zac doesn't even show up.

Heard on Stage: Isaac living out his fantasy of being the next Axl Rose: he screeches "Welcome to the Jungle" while doing a mean crab dance.

Chances of This Scenario Coming to Fruition: Are you kidding?