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HOW TO UPSET WALKER 101:

Hanson and Dirtyness: A good match? You decide. Newest at the bottom.

  1. Hanson appears on The Magic Hour. Who is the other guest? Hm… must be the ultimate in unemployed Mtv VJs, Downtown Julie Brown… who happens to be promoting her spread in Playboy.
  2. Hanson appears on Letterman. Who is the other guest? Hm… must be that pillar of the community, Mr. George Michael, who's doing the TV talk show circuit to "come clean" about his exploits in a public bathroom.
  3. Hanson appears on Howie Mandell. Who is the other guest? Hm… must be Alex Kingston, British ER diva, who feels the need to discuss farting, nude bathing and sticking her arm up a chicken's butt… while Hanson is on the stage. And she didn't shake hands when Ike offered his. Rotten! Rotten I say!
  4. Hanson appears on Melrose Place. (We question why this was necessary in the first place.) They play one of their wonderful songs. It continues playing while two of the resident femme fatales duke it out in a back room. Not cool at all.
  5. Hanson goes to the Mtv Video Music Awards. Who else is there? Oh look, it's Marilyn Manson, who is showing his butt once again. This makes TWO years in a row that Hanson is exposed to Manson's butt. TWO!
  6. And who accompanies Manson? Oh! It must be his always wacky, indie princess girlfriend Rose McGowan, who decided to wear a piece of black mesh to the event, and not much else.
  7. Hanson goes on a random radio show and Tay makes a comment about LoveLine in a rather um… gravely voice, and is far too amused by this. Is it me? Or am I the only one who is disturbed that Taylor Hanson is familiar with these things?
  8. Hanson goes on yet another radio show. Taylor makes some comment about kissing… you know the one… I believe the quote from Mr. Taylor was "tongue and all." Your father should ground you young man.
  9. Taylor is pierced.
  10. Hanson goes on another radio show. Someone makes a comment that puts the words "Zac" and "Victoria's Secret" in the same sentence. Evil.
  11. Hanson goes to the White House… and meets Bill Clinton.
  12. Is it us, or have these boys become rather fond of the word "suck" as of recent?
  13. For a few seconds, Isaac and Chelsea Clinton were on stage, side by side. Frightening.
  14. Ok… there is no gentle way to put this. Taylor gropes himself constantly. Did anyone see Oprah?
  15. Oh, and then there was that little comment from one of the Yahoo chats that you KNOW they think no one caught. The one that went sort of like this: Isaac: Yeah, I like to amuse my friends, myself. Taylor: Yeah. Mostly himself. TAYLOR!! STOP IT!!
  16. On one of the Mtv Live days… there was a comment about spanking. I know there was.
  17. And then there were those amusing comments about Tomb Raider, the video game. Tay makes some comment about guys liking the game just because the character in it has "big boobs." Tay. We do not want to hear you say "boob" under any circumstances. Is that clear?
  18. They most certainly saw Kate Winslett's naked rump in Titanic.
  19. Taylor quotes "Secrets and Lies." ('What do you reckon…") Zac was probably a little young for this one at the time.
  20. They saw Good Will Hunting. I mean hey, it was rated R…
  21. Hanson on Mtv Live. Zac quotes a guy who yelled something about "F-in Oklahoma." What is this world coming to?
  22. Tay openly admits that he wears boxers, and wants to know if the doctored photo of him in a Speedo has "a buff body." Tay honey, why do you care…
  23. Mtv Live last year. Kelsey Grammer makes some skanky comment about voices changing/puberty. They dodged this one well. I must admit.
  24. Jenny McCarthy gropes Zac… several times. He enjoys it and Ike is jealous.
  25. Five little words: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT and HALF SHIRT
  26. Various signs that we've seen waving in the oceans of fans: Hanson is/are sexy (depending on which English teacher you talk to), Mmmbop me Taylor, the list goes on…
  27. Isaac quotes Austin Powers… a lot… which frightens us. Because that means they've seen the movie… and all of the inherent skankiness in its reels.
  28. Kathy Griffen!!! Good god!! If half of what she said is true…
  29. Tay says that Zac has… vibrating underwear. Well… I personally think that Tay just didn't follow the thought process all the way through before he let the words come out of his mouth.
  30. Hanson plays with Blues Traveller. They smoke a lot of pot.
  31. Marilyn Manson says they are… The tools of the Devil.
  32. On their second trip to TRL, Taylor plainly and blatantly checks out Serena Atchul. Don't believe us? Go look at the tape.
  33. And there was that time on Leno when they just insisted on talking about diapers and farting and bad smelling things. I just don't want to hear that.
  34. Zac sat on Carson's lap. I don't even want to consider the implications…
  35. Bob Weir = Greatful Dead = drugs
  36. The whole Celebrity Death Match. That was just bad and wrong and stupid.
  37. What's up with Pamela Anderson and that Hanson t-shirt? Does she actually like them or does she think she's being all kitch? Frankly, I don't know which one worries me more. God knows, we've all been exposed to enough semi-nude bodies wearing the word Hanson in Tulsa, Tokyo and the Middle of Nowhere. Spare us, Pam.
  38. Tay just likes to get naked. I can almost hear the thought process… "Hmm. I bet all of these girls will scream and think I'm pretty sexy if I take off my shirt right about now." The stupidest part of all is that he's right.
  39. Zac said that he had to "beat the crap out of Ike." That's pretty harsh and violent.
  40. Hanson goes to the Star Wars premiere party at the Skywalker Ranch… along with various members of Korn, Limp Bizkit, Rob Zombie and Katie Holms even.
  41. And then there's all of that Zac "Sex! Drugs!" business
  42. Hanson meets Ozzie Osbourne's children. Now, if you think about it, some people consider Ozzie to be Satan. Which would mean… Hanson has Offically Hung Out With the Spawns of Satan!
  43. And how about that annoying French guy blowing smoke from his pipe in Taylor's face in Tulsa, Tokyo and the Middle of Nowhere? Those are precious lungs sir. I would ask you to be careful.
  44. "…stiffer than Zac Hanson at a screening of American Pie." I just… I… no… you can't… Hi? No. Do you hear me? NO!!
  45. And what, I ask you, was up with that nude woman in MOE? I understand that it was a piece of art that the boys saw in a museum somewhere, but really now, I have a hard time believing Zac and Tay looked at that and said "Wow, look at the incredible balance in this piece!" Can't you just hear the giggles, "… hehe… let's put a naked chick in MOE… hehe…" She's also grabbing her breast, which is incredibly disturbing.
  46. Am I the only one who recalls that Entertainment Tonight incident where Taylor was feeling particularly rambunctious and decided to climb up on top of a piece of the set? Just before he jumped down, the hostess (Taylor was checking her out, literally, for the duration of the interview. I think he actually called her "gorgeous" at one point.) like, grips the boy around the waist. Um hello? I don't know what worries me more, the fact that she was allowed to grope at him so easily, or the fact that he didn't seem too upset by the whole thing.
  47. Apparently when they were in South America, they used to run around naked all the time. Oh really?
  48. The whole Space Ghost/shoot me/lower lower thing. Ok. I only have one thing to say. You know the world has turned into a scary place when you watch Taylor Hanson on television, and suddenly issue isn't "Taylor, hon, you had better be careful because that might be constrewed as slightly dirty." but "Taylor, that is decidedly dirty and I can't figure out if it's my dirty mind or yours that's perpetuating the whole thing."
  49. How about that picture in Teen Beat with Taylor sort of sprawling along a wall after the Buddy Farrow taping? You know the photogropher got so excited when they got a glimpse of the boxers, and whoops! sort of forgot to tell the poor boy that his undergarments would be on grocery store shelves for the world to see.
  50. All of those Ike comments about turning 18, and how he could be sent to regular prison insted of "juvie."
  51. Um… six words. Doctored picture of Tay in speedo.
  52. Oh, and another one from our friends at MTV. "The Zac Hanson sundae comes with a cherry."
  53. You know, you would think that Dad would have some problems with the boys hanging out with a militant, gun-toting, pot-smoking radical like John Popper.
  54. Sly and the Family Stone? Acid trip much?
  55. After the Space Ghost appearance airs on Talk Soup, Hal Sparks proudly declares that he doesn't ever want to see Zac Hanson in… an advanced state of happiness. Neither do we Hal. Neither do we.
  56. The caption under those rock climbing pictures should have read: "Hanson! Anatomically correct!" I guess we don't have to worry about those "Oh, they're girls" rumors anymore.
  57. Hanson appears on Jay Leno… as the artificially inceminated children of David Crosby?! Never mind How to Upset Walker. Let's try How to Completely Negate Walker…
  58. Oh, what to do about Sisqo? First Hanson introduces him at an NYC Teen People event. Then the preview for Hanson on Making the Video airs moments after the national debut of The Thong Song. Then he appears on TRL, wishes Taylor a happy birthday and tells him his "thong is in the mail."
  59. Much Music interview. Taylor calmly says "Well, I couldn't wear tight pants because I want to have children someday." The cameraman responds by panning down Taylor's body, revealing the snugg-fitting jeans he's sporting for the day.
  60. Hanson appears on @MTV, which is co-hosted by pillar of wisdom and good taste, Mandy Moore. Taylor stares at her, wearing a look that falls somewhere between "Wow, you're hot," and "Wow, you're terribly stupid." Dirty? No. Perplexing? Yes.
  61. Cuban cigars. The very item that puts Hanson less than six degrees from Monica Lewinsky.
  62. See Hanson. See Hanson being asked about sex. See Hanson quickly and indirectly admit their virginity and then run as far from the topic as possible.
  63. The List: Host Ashton Kutcher puts his knee under his shirt to simulate... yeah. Exactly. Can't you just hear Taylor after the show? "Dad, how come Ashton was pretending that he was pregnant?"
  64. Also the List: Ike comments that there's something remotely Sharon Stone-esque happening when Paula Cale sits on Ashton's lap. Um...? And just as an aside, we were like 11 when that movie came out. I'm hoping Ike saw that on a Blockbuster night. Without his parents present. Recently. Or preferably not at all. Maybe he just watches Saturday Night Live.
  65. Oh look, more of The List: Zac does a frighteningly convincing Michael Jackson impression, complete with... Oh God. Why scoot around it. We're all adults here. HE GRABBED HIS CROTCH, OK?
  66. More of... you guessed it, The List: Ike says "pissed." Oooh. Aaah. (Reverential moment of silence.)
  67. The List: Taylor Hanson: Bastion of pristine boy cleanliness. Neil Young: Bastion of dirty old manness.
  68. Say What Karaokee: Girl sings. Girl dances. Girl rips off shirt. Girl pours water down body. Girl gyrates. Girl does this 2.6 inches from Zachary Hanson's nose. Zachary Hanson smiles like a goober. (Girl is arrested for corrupting a minor?)
  69. Say What Karaokee: Ike waggles around in a wifebeater. Maybe not How to Upset Walker... How to Get Walker to Write His Eldest Son Out of the Will maybe...
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