AS TIME GOES BY:

Welcome to the zany, warped little subculture of Hanson fandom. The prize is still the same, but the rules have changed.

Every Vote Counts: TRL


  • The show: You never watched it before. You think Carson Daly is a pudgy, self-important jerkface. And as if spending an hour of your time with him and Kid Rock and Korn and a bunch of other dudes who don't bathe enough every day wasn't bad enough, now you need to spend 90 minutes with him, so he can... talk more? But you do it. Every day. You stop what you're doing at 3:00. You turn on the TV. You do all of this for Hanson.
  • The voting: You don't vote once. You don't vote twice. You vote 30 times every day. You change the name, state and message every time you vote. You empty out your cookies before each vote. You create a seperate persona for every time you vote. Where do you think all of those mysterious male Hanson fans are coming from? You know the one... "Hey! Could you guys please play If Only by Hanson, because those guys are so talented! Rock on Carson! ~Bob, NM" Sorry guys. Bob in New Mexico, along with Rowina in American Samoa, Kesh in Oklahoma, Todd in the District of Colombia and Billy Bob from Kentucky are all just some ambitious girl in Indiana who would make a great fanfiction writer if she put her mind to it.
  • The irony: We complained for months. It's rigged! It's so unfair! MTV hates Hanson! And now, they're number one every day. Funny how that theory flew right out the window.
  • The other irony: Us complaining about TRL is like Dr. Frankenstein complaining that his monster turned out a little too rude for his liking. Thanks to every one of us, and the Weird video, TRL exists in the disgusting, overblown form it does today.
Under New Management: Island DefJam

  • How to Preach to the Choir 101: So, who are these clueless people? They give us contests. They create focus groups, e-mail lists, market watch groups, to get us to tout Hanson. Sorry kids. It don't work that way. I'm a Hanson fan because I'm a Hanson fan, not because any record company tells me to be. I am not a vehicle to advertise your product. You want to sell more records, you're talking to the wrong girl. I've already got mine. Go away.
  • And while you're at it: You should learn a little more about your band and its fanbase. If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Switching Gears: The New Hanson Love

  • Gone With the Wind: Your teenieness is gone. You are calm. You do not own sharpies. You wear your Hanson t-shirts only to bed, and certainly not to sleepovers. You "keep it to the music" as much as possible. You are rational and cohesive when you speak to DJs on the phone. Your new favorite Hanson... is Ike.
  • Carryin' the Banner: Hanson is not a band. Hanson is a cause. You convert fans to the light at a quicker rate than Jim and Tammy Faye ever did. You write letters. You make phone calls. You listen to This Time Around in your car with the volume up really really loud hoping someone will hear.
  • All Grown Up: You watch Tulsa, Tokyo and the Middle of Nowhere with the same fondness that you look at your own baby pictures. You have "I remember when..." conversations that always include Dr. Martens, the wonders of Taylor's baby cherub face, and Isaac's bigger-than-shuttle-Discovery's-parachutes pants.
  • You promptly divide the life of Isaac Hanson into two a kind of theoretical BC/AD: Pre-haircut and Post.
  • Journalists abandon the word "hyperactive" in favor of "hefty" as their Token Zac Adjective.
  • Isaac... and his very public campaign for a girlfriend. He should wear a sandwich board. I'm sure there'd be takers.
You, the Groupie

  • Before: The Albertane tour. You see two shows. You're pretty much a happy camper.
  • After: The This Time Around Tour? Youre devistated when you realize that you'll only be able to see... gasp... 5 shows.
Isn't it Wired?

  • Before: When Middle of Nowhere came out, you didn't have a computer. The most experience you'd had on such an animal was playing Oregon Trail in your 5th grade computer class. You know, the kind where you had the big floppy disks that you had to flip over to load the program completely? Wow.
  • After: You have three Hanson webpages. You don't go more than three hours without checking the Hanson Hotel's news page. You signed up for Hanson.net ten minutes after it went live.
The Glass Ceiling of Beauty

  • Spring, 1997: You were darn sure of the fact that Taylor Hanson was the zenith of blond boy beauty. You can't imagine anything more aesthetically perfect, no matter how hard you try.
  • Spring, 2000: Taylor emerges from the studio in California much in the same manner as a butterfly escaping his chrysalis. You suddenly realize that the 1997 Taylor, with his creaky voice and tooth-picky bod was the victim of a rather bothersome awkward stage.
  • Which only prompts us to ask: What coule possibly be next?
Bottom Line:
The times they are a changin'.