Unfortunate for my themes of bitterness and negativity that I'm forced to start on an almost positive note. This song, a Britney-esque stomper from Krystal Harris, really ain't all that bad, and it deserves such effusive praise for one reason, and it's the same reason that makes every good song a good song: The idea at the core of the thing is halfway interesting. That alone sets it apart from 95% of teen-created merdre these days. (The other 5% being created by Hanson, of course.)

Think about it. Youngish musician girl is so strong, she can't find a man who's chill enough for her, and despite her All-Conquering Superhero status, she's still kind of bummed that she's alone. It's not Ani DiFranco, but it sure ain't "Hit me baby, one more time" either. How postfeminist, to steal a quote from the Dali Llama. The idea is almost, shock and horror, kind of smart.

Token Ridiculous Lyric: "Conquering the world with my magic piano." Conquering the world… OK. With your piano… Not the strongest sentiment in the world, but not entirely off the mark. With your magic piano? Just because Taylor whispers it to himself over and over before he falls asleep every night doesn't make it any less goofy.

I know what you're thinking. Laura, I'm already completely aware of Aaron Carter's complete organic wrongness. You need not go into detail.

Sorry, I can't help it. He's got 12-year-old fly girls, a propensity to break into rap, a cover of Please Don't Go Girl, (The original wasn't enough, I ask you?) and an older brother who might as well chain him to his wrist and start calling him Mini Me. Is it any wonder this song is hopeless, frighteningly saccharine, and every so slightly leering and lascivious to boot? (No Aaron, I will not sit down on your knee. I might get cooties.)

This is what I really want to know, though. Is that Aaron's actual falsetto that happens halfway through the song, or did someone just give him a good swift kick in the jewels and prop him in front of the microphone?

Token Ridiculous Lyric: "Itty bitty pretty one, I'm watchin' you grow." Oh for the love of God…

Unfortunate for this band (group? Girl Scout troupe?) that every time I look at their name (3G), I wonder where the C is.

Instructions for healthy listening:

1. Skip to track 4.
2. Take Princess Diaries CD out of CD player.
3. Throw CD out window.
4. Put in The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.
5. Listen to You're Just too Good to be True instead.

That's what you tell the ugly girls, right Kevin?

Stupid Mandy. Everyone knows that it takes a smart girl to play dumb convincingly. Just ask Taylor.

Unfortunate that Mandy Moore isn't charming or quirky enough to pull this off. Because it could have been cute, chirpy, Betty Boop meets Gentleman Prefer Blondes. But Mandy decided somewhere along the line that rather than sing, she'd just whisper gently into the microphone and let the producers and the make-up artists do the rest. It's still up in the air whether there are actual instruments being played by real humans on this track.

Activity:

1. Listen to Stupid Cupid.
2. Close eyes.
3. Picture Mandy singing it in a fake-looking school yard with a big purple dinosaur dancing next to her.

We'll make no comment about the precarious placement of this song in the CD lineup. OK, maybe one. Measured back to back, Hanson truly makes Mandy look like the empty-headed cheerleader she wants so desperately to not be. There. No more. I promise.

Token Ridiculous Lyric: "You got me jumpin' like a crazy clown." (Of the "Gerber-sucking" variety, I wonder?)

Ah, gracious. The day finally arrives when we get Shiny New Hansonness. See? We all lived. We're all still here. OK… Never mind… but you're still here, at least. And I'm still here! Yes! We are triumphant! Maybe we'll even have a new album within the next six years or so!

Wake Up is a mildly fascinating idea junkpile made up of about six different already-been-there Hanson songs. It's Frankenstien. Oh look, there's Taylor wanting to hold me tight again. Oh look, there's Taylor dismissing a fickle girl again. Oh look, there's that girl "kissin' him" goodnight again. Oh look, there's Taylor being lonely again. All sewed up at the edges and parading its seams proudly.

You know what that means, right? Don't freak on me when I say this. I love Hanson dearly. But Wake Up is a first class throwaway. It's a discard. A Lonely Again, a Bridges of Stone, a We Won't Be Sleepin' Tonight. It has its shiny, glittering moments, but for whatever reason, Hanson saw it as unfit for The Album. So they let it go. No big deal. More where that came from.

And naturally, because this is Hanson, their throwaway is miles better than this soundtrack's best efforts, and ones from considerably more popular acts at that.

Good stuff:

1. The mandolin. Beyond the fact that Ike's hands on a mandolin make for a pretty sexy visual image, it gives a nice new dimension to Hanson's established sound. Like peanut butter on crackers that were good to begin with.
2. Taylor's vocal. Aching and tortured as ever, caked in gravel and howling at the top of his lungs. Exactly the way I like my Taylor, thanks.
3. The section where Taylor and Isaac change the way they sing the verse, Isaac taking a different lower harmony and Taylor reaching up for a higher one. ("Will it matter when you're on your own? Will it matter if you're all alone?") There's actually no one singing the melody in this section. So simple and different, yet highly impressive sounding. Plus, the alchemy that those two voices are capable of is very much unparalleled in music these days.
4. Doo doo doo… You almost fell out of your chair too. Don't lie. Hanson likes doing that, sideswiping us with a hidden B section or bridge or lyric that we never felt coming. God bless their musically interesting little hearts.
5. The "wake up" idea, for as many times as they bash us on the head with it over the course of four minutes, is a strong one. It works on two levels, the literal, "Stop being asleep and talk to me" idea, given that the girl is– God help us– sleeping in some proximity, and the more abstract, "Wake up out of your crazy cheatin' daydream, girl, and wake me up out of mine while you're at it." Good show. As usual.
6. The percussion is occasionally distinct(!) and up front. Zac! So good of you to join us…

Questionable Stuff:

1. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't. I swear, it really doesn't matter. Does it matter, Taylor? Does it really? Huh? Remind me again. I don't think I caught that the first time.
2. "No, you don't have me." Rub it in why don't you…
3. A tad overproduced? Yup. It is. We slink along fine until the chorus and then boom, here come the 57 layers of fuzzed out guitar. Remind me how many people are in Hanson, again? Two-hundred-and-six? Thirty of them being Isaac, 50 are Taylor, and the rest are Zac just sitting around eating chips. Now. That being said. There's a small point here that everyone seemed to forget when they launched into their Wake Up Blows diatribes on Hanson.net and elsewhere: Hanson, shock and surprise, has been overproduced from the moment they stepped into a professional recording studio with a guy named Seven Lironi. That is, from day one. Wake Up is, you will carefully note, the only song Island has let us hear thus far. It is Island approved. Which means that it must sound a certain way. And that "way" is big and fuzzy and remotely Middle of Nowhere reminiscent in whatever futile way. Can't have the boys growing up, now can we? Forgive Hanson their overproduced-ness for now. I'd wager good money that it's not their fault.

Token Ridiculous Lyric: "… stop and smell the breeze." He's kidding, right? Shall we stop and listen to the rocks and paint with all the colors of the wind as well?