j.d. salinger

catcher in the rye

In the guys' bedroom, it's completely dark. "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve plays in the background as Taylor lies in his bed, fitfully trying to sleep. Soon Isaac stumbles in after checking his mail online in the other room.

Isaac: (Whispers) Tay, I couldn't sleep.

Taylor: (Lifts his head to rest it on his elbow and whispers back.) I know what you mean. How many times did we promise our fans a tour?

Isaac: 1,440 times a day? (Grinning as he lowers himself to the floor and leans against the foot of the bed.)

Taylor: Now, the tour's about to begin, well, it's cool, but at the same time . . .

Isaac: Hey, singing with your brothers, does it get any better than that? (Goofy and exaggerated)

Taylor: (chuckling) It's just that, well, it's kind of like being with you guys has it's way of, I don't know . . .

Isaac: Even though one (fake coughs) of us sings mostly lead on "Middle of Nowhere," Zac and I have our ways of keeping you from turning completely into a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float, turning completely into the president and only life-long member of your own fan club?

Taylor: Shut-up! Who wears a picture of himself on a t-shirt? I seem to remember somebody (snaps his fingers as if trying to remember who.) Help me out here, Ike.

Isaac: Hey, that was only that one time when we were in Europe and we couldn't find a laundry mat in time . . .

Taylor: Exactly. Just as I thought. (Pauses) That's what I mean, when you're by yourself, you get all of your own jokes. But then you're the only one laughing and . . . well, it's not that funny.

Isaac: They weren't too funny to begin with, Tay.

Taylor: And we all know who's the true comedian of the band . . . (smiling) I mean, come on, we're with each other twenty-four/seven!

Isaac: People are so interested in what it's like to be us. You, Zac, and me are the only ones who really know what it's truly like. And yet we need each other to keep from getting phony. I mean . . .

Taylor: Exactly, exactly. I mean, it's the phoniness that really gets to me sometimes. I mean, I'm not just talking about us, I'm talking about anyone who tries to act different around us too. I hate that. People who think they know how we want them to behave. For the love of pete, be yourself.

Isaac: (Changing the subject) "Bittersweet Symphony," Tay? (They both pause a minute as the song ends.) Something's been bugging me, where in the world is that En Vogue that we always say we listen to?

Taylor: (shrugs) It's probably in a pile of Aerosmith CDs that won't be filed alphabetically until Zac gets in trouble again.

Isaac: But, speaking of phoniness, where are you in Catcher in the Rye?

Taylor: That book is amazing

Isaac: I know, but I kept thinking "Party of Five." You know, Salinger?

Taylor: Well, duh. I keep thinking there should be characters named Holden or Phoebe on that show. Stop, what's a book discussion without good ole' Zac?

Isaac: You know Mom didn't want Zac reading that book yet.

Taylor: Ike, come on, you're dealing with Hanson here, and with Hanson, there are no rules, remember. Besides, you also are familiar with Zac? He does whatever the heck he wants to. (smiles)

Isaac: Easy on the swears, Tiger. Although, it is just the two of us, I guess. (Smirks and beings humming "Just the Two of Us" by Will Smith) Maybe it's better that Zac isn't here. This could end up being a PG-13 conversation.

Taylor: Was there a light under the door to the game room when you walked by?

Isaac: I thought I heard some Gameboy sounds coming through the crack.

Taylor: That means we might not see him until noon tomorrow. God, is there anyone more attached to his Gameboy?

(Suddenly a hand grabs Taylor's foot, and he attempts to jump out of bed. He simply stumbles to the floor since the hand holds on tighter, but it lets go just when Taylor lands on the floor and starts to kick wildly.)

Taylor: What the . . .?!

(Zac is rolling on the floor, trying not to laugh out loud.) Zac: I got you so good Taylor.

Isaac: (Also trying to hold in his laughter) I hope Mom did the laundry, you might need a fresh pair of shorts, mi amigo.

Taylor: God, Zac, you scared the crap out of me! Ask me how dead you are.

Zac: Okay, Mr. "My Body is so buff let me take my shirt off for you," how dead?

Taylor: Oh, you'll pay for that one too. You are not be able to keep track of my movements every single minute of the day. So be afraid, be very afraid. (He does a push-up and gets up, then falls back into his bed.)

Zac: (Fake shiver) Anyways, you guys weren't trying to have a jam 'n bread session without me, were you? (Sits down cross-legged on the floor next to Taylor's bed. Rests his chin in his palm.)

Isaac: (still holding in laughter) How could we? Who was going to provide the summary of the plot?

Zac: Are you going to talk about that book that Mom wouldn't let me read?

Taylor: You should write a paper on book censorship, Zac.

Zac: Next Oprah, mothers who make their sons alphabetize their CD collections and the CDs that fight back. Don't miss it!

Isaac: Sometimes you guys just kill me, you know that?

Taylor: Ike, you've got to work on your Holden Caufield a little more. Your Austin Powers is much better polished.

Zac: Do you guys think I should read this book?

Isaac: Well, Zac, (Turns around to look at Taylor.)

Taylor: (shrugs) Zac, didn't Mom say she just thought you would appreciate it more when you're, like, our age?

Isaac: Eh, yeah, Holden - the main character - talks about being a, um . . .

Zac: Ye-es?

Taylor: A virgin, okay? A virgin.

Isaac: Tay! What next? I suppose, you're going to tell him how Holden goes to see a prostitute?

Taylor: (smugly) Now, I don't have to. Not that anything happens - he just wants to TALK with her.

Zac: (Pause) D---, I can't believe Mom is letting YOU guys read this book.

(Stunned, his brothers freeze.)

Zac: Guys, I'm kidding.

Isaac: (Austin Powers voice) Oh, behave, Baby.

Taylor: Ike, you got a bar of soap on you?

Isaac: Nope, but Mom just bought a refill for the liquid thingy. It's lemon-scented, I'm pretty sure.

Taylor: The swearing, the prostitute and everything . . . that's not the point. The point is, Holden's bitter 'cause he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

Zac: (Sings softly, as Taylor smiles and faintly joins in) "He still hasn't found what he's looking for . . . " Guys, you know that you're going to tell me what happens.

Taylor: Alright. This kid is telling about his life after he gets put in a mental institution.

Zac: He's a nut case?

Isaac: Not exactly a "nut case" . . . This guy, Holden keeps getting kicked out of one boarding school after another, after another, after another, (He makes his point by making circular motions with his hands.) because he just keeps getting sick of all the phoniness . . .

Taylor: Yeah, I guess, J.D. also had a similar experience growing up. Anyway, at Pencey Prep, the last school he's thrown out of, he decides to just leave early and spend a couple days in New York City before he has to go home and tell his parents about getting kicked out again.

Isaac: He has to get out of there. Everything just gets to be too much: The teachers, the other students, the whole system. I mean, his last roommate, Stradlatter, is one of those kind of guys who likes to walk around with his shirt off to show off and there's this other guy, Ackley, who lives in the dorm right next door who has all this acne and junk and is just so dang irritating, but Holden knows that this kid is just dying to be his friend, so he . . ..

Taylor: (Interrupts) It's just that Holden hasn't gotten over his brother's death and he wonders if life really has something worthwhile to offer.

Zac: Yawn. This is boring me. This book is about that, and Mom won't let me read it? Plus, I see that someone else dies in it. I think in every single one of the books we read this year, someone dies. Ugghhh!

Taylor: Well, you've really got to read it to get the full impact of it. I mean, Holden is generally pissed off about life and the whole story is told from his point of view. The book is written in "stream of consciousness." That means, you get to hear all of his thoughts as they come to him. They could be really wacky ones, but they're all completely, completely honest.

Zac: Sounds thrilling. (yawning)

Isaac: Exactly, you hear everything that is going on in Holden's mind. Zac, maybe you could answer this question that keeps bugging Holden: Where do the ducks in Central Park go in the winter when the ponds freeze over?

Zac: Don't they migrate south like the other ducks?

Isaac: You know, that's what you'd think was the answer. But the point is, you'll never know.

Taylor: Exactly. That's the point. Holden keeps wondering what happens to people when you can't see them any more. It's a whole theme of not ever really making connections, always feeling completely alone.

Isaac: Oh my God, that's so depressing (exaggerated).

Taylor: At the same time, I was like laughing so hard throughout the first part of the book. I mean, the way that kid Ackley, with all those zits and totally disgusting teeth, was constantly cutting his toenails? The way Holden messes with his mind?

Isaac: Can you imagine the hours the make-up people would have to spend on that kid? (Jim Carey voice) It would be . . ..

Zac: . . . a situation? (helpfully)

Taylor: It was just, like, the way that Holden describes other people, you know? Virtually everything gets under his skin. No one ever really meets his expectations.

Isaac: All he wanted was for someone to listen to him. To really listen. He keeps looking for people who will do that: his English teacher, Ackley, that parent on the train, those ladies in the hotel bar, the nuns, the prostitute, Sally, that kid from his old school . . . then, his other English teacher who turns out to be a little, eh, too interested, shall we say? . . . .

Taylor: Okay, the only person who really cares is his sister Phoebe, who is like, Jessie's age ~ ten. She's awesome! Just like our Jessie.

Zac: You know how we used to listen to those late fifties, early sixties rock and roll tapes?

Taylor: Zac, Zac!! Please!

Isaac: (mumbling) How could we forget?

Zac: Well, I had a great idea for Jessie's birthday coming up. I think we should get her that "Pure Funk" album. Then she and Avie could start a band with a whole different flavor than ours.

(Isaac and Taylor begin chuckling.) Isaac: I can totally hear the interviewers now, "So what were some of your early influences, Sweetie?"

Zac: (Imitating his sister's voice) "Well, you know, all those great funk sounds of the late seventies, early eighties. You know songs like "Word Up!" and, and . . . (He starts laughing.)

Taylor: (Still smiling) Zac, the girls could really go crazy with those songs. I mean, that's REAL music, if you know what I mean. (smirking) Doesn't Holden buy his sister a record too, "Little Shirley Beans?"

Isaac: Too bad he breaks it before he can give it to her.

Taylor: It's like he wants things to go a certain way, and then, CRASH, it's nothing like what he planned. You remember how he's so mad about his roommate getting, eh, friendly with that girl he used to like?

Isaac: Yeah, he thought she should have been treated with more respect than what his roommate is apparently capable of. So Holden tries to beat him up, but he ends up getting (dramatically) squished like a bug.

Taylor: Eck, all bloody and everything. And that time, in the end, when he tries to help those kids find the mummy display at the museum . . .

Isaac: Right. He leads them to it, and he's thinking how nice and peaceful it is, when, BAM. He sees that someone wrote, "F--- You" in red letters on the wall. You know, that's disgusting.

Taylor: The title comes from Holden wanting to catch all of these kids before they reach the cliff. Before they fall over the side and become phony adults.

Isaac: It's from that song, "when a body meets a body coming through the rye." Holden thought it was when a body "catch" a body, but later Phoebe tells him that it's "meets a body." No one is there to catch him though. He does mention that his older brother, D.B., will be picking him up from the mental ward in a Jaguar.

Taylor: Yeah. He doesn't respect D.B. though, because he thinks that his brother "prostitutes" his phenomenal writing talent by selling his stories to Hollywood.

Isaac:  I kept thinking about the rumors about "Scream 2" and "Cried."

Taylor: It was cool of them to offer, but I'm not sure that's what Hanson is about.

Zac: Hey guys, you're on "Loveline." What's your question, Caller? Well, my baby wants to lay one on me, and my brother told me it should be one with "tongue and all," but I don't think I'm ready for that. What should I do?

(Taylor rolls his eyes, while smiling in an amused way.) Taylor: Zac, I was totally joking.

Zac: I'm about ready to go watch "Loveline" for real. You guys are putting me to sleep.

Isaac: Zac, didn't Mom and Dad have a "talk" (Makes the quotation symbols with finger gestures.) with you about that show? That it's too "mature" for you?

Zac: I think they said it was too mature for you, Ike. (Smirking)

Isaac: (Deciding to ignore Zac's attempt at humor) Tay, how does that Eve 6 song go? "I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rind, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside . . ."

Taylor: "I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out . . . Have nothing but faith in nothing . . ."

Isaac: (and then Taylor with him) "I want to put my tender, heart in a blender. Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. Rendez-vous, then I'm through with you . . ." (Isaac) That song could be Holden's theme song, I think.

Taylor: Exactly.

Isaac: I mean, you know when he's with Sally. It's like, "Whoa! This girl is so beautiful!" And then you think you can tell her anything at all. But then, you realize, she's not really interested in you that way. In fact, she thinks you're kind of, um, off. Then what? You've been kissing and stuff, and . . .

Taylor: Not that (pauses) that's happened to anyone here, personally. (smiling)

Isaac: I would never kiss a girl unless, I was perfectly sure she was someone who completely cared. Someone I loved, well, more than anything. Holden said he had that rule for himself, but broke it the same night he made it. What about you guys?

Zac: Well, (slow grin) if it was a tradition that SHE started, you might just have to return the kiss. Just to be polite, you know?

Isaac: Why couldn't it have been me, Jenny?! Why? (Pretends to slap his forehead with his palm.)

Taylor: Or Zac, maybe I wasn't kidding about the fans. What if a fan became a friend because we got to know her . . . who knows? Anything is possible. (Shrugs in a meaningful way.) I mean, people want to know how we get material for new songs . . .

Isaac: But Tay, so many girls, so little time. I mean, we're scheduled to get back into the studio for that new album by the end of this year. Geez!

Taylor: (Switching topics) You know, I liked what Holden was saying about people who get too good at something and then, if they don't watch it, they start to show off.

Isaac: And you know how he talks about fake applause and how that depresses him? My gosh, that really is depressing!

Taylor: Not to dwell on the down side or anything. I mean, when the crowd's energy is hot, and we catch some of it, it's got to be just like, well, um . . . I mean, that kind of energy is so strong, it might be kind of like . . . (starts to blush) . . .

Isaac: Eh, yeah?

Zac: (Stifles a giggle, while glancing from one brother to the other.)

Isaac: Um, yeah. Tay, you were going to say?

Zac: You were going to say?

Taylor: Forget it. Boy, I think my arm fell asleep. Yowch. I can't feel it. (He drops his head on his pillow and begins to massage his arm.)

Isaac: Tay, about performing live, I have only two words for you: Loose-fitting pants. Or is that actually three words? Whatever. (Zac sucks in his lips and to keep from laughing out loud.)

Taylor: Ike, what are you trying to say?

(Their Mom pads by their door with Zoe resting in her arms. Then stops.)

Mrs. Hanson: (whispers) Are you guys all still up? Do you know what time it is? We're leaving for Europe in exactly 48 hours. You're with each other all the time -- what more can you possibly have to talk about (grinning)? I want all three of you fully rested for your tour. (Speaking to the baby.) Zoe, you're not the only one who keeps me up at nights. (She grins.)

Zac: Mom, we were doing another book group. (Taylor almost falls out of his bed again trying to clap his hand over Zac's mouth.)

Mrs. Hanson: Oh really? What book?

Isaac: Taylor? Which book again? (Innocently)

Taylor: Mom, we're all really pretty tired. We can give you the full account tomorrow. (Yawns dramatically.)

Mrs. Hanson: (Suspiciously) Well, okay. You're only getting off easy because I'm too tired to even remember anything you tell me now anyway. Don't forget that you promised the girls you'd take them to the park tomorrow. Okay, Big Brothers, sweet dreams.

(She continues down the hall.)

Mrs. Hanson: (Comes back) Wait, did one of you put Wicket out tonight?

Isaac: Mom, we've got it covered. Don't worry, get some rest already.

Mrs. Hanson: (As Zoe starts to whimper) Okay, you guys sleep tight. Your Dad and I want to spend some time with Mackie tomorrow, so I want you rested when you take care of all the girls. 'Night!

(They all chorus, "Night Mom!")

Zac: (When she's gone.) Taylor, were you trying to suffocate me?

Isaac: Tay, tomorrow maybe we could find a Merry-Go-Round and have a real Catcher in the Rye "moment." You remember how that's the only thing that keeps Holden from leaving, watching Phoebe on her horse, going 'round and 'round and 'round.

Zac: Here we go 'round again!

Taylor: Here we go, here we go.

Isaac: What are we going to tell Mom tomorrow when she asks?

Taylor: Guys, guys, it's all in the technique. Zac, you know what I mean. You've got to find just the right dodge for each interview situation. Leave it to me.

(Taylor extends his hand and they all stack their hands like a team before a game.) Okay! (They all sit back.)

Isaac: (He pulls Zac to his feet.) Time to hit the sack, Zack-o.

Zac: (sleepily) 'Kay. (Stretches before he hops into bed.)

(Isaac climbs into his bed. Taylor uses the remote to make sure the CD player is off, and rolls over to fall asleep.)