emily brontë

wuthering heights

(Nestled in somewhere in the hills of Hollywood, the band is lounging in the family room discussing the most recent book they’ve read. Their sisters are studying with their father in another room while their mother is away with the two youngest.)

Isaac: Hindley, Heathcliff, Hareton (Begins to move his head around like he’s going crazy) Hootie, Howie, a Hummer . . . (panting)

Zac: (Puts his hand on Isaac’s shoulder as if to calm him down) Ike, Ike, it’s o-kay.

Taylor: A lot of H-names in the book! What about the two Cathy’s? (His eyes crinkle into a smile.)

Isaac: (Starts breathing deeply again) Cathy Earnshaw, Linton, Heathcliff, Earnshaw again . . .

Zac: (Goes over to Isaac and pretends to slap him and starts to wave his hand wildly in front of his brother’s face as if to break a trance. Then, taking his brother’s shoulders, he begins to shake him slowly.) It’s okay. (He drops his arms and says with mock sincerity.) We’ll find a nice home for you, Ike, where you’ll be safe and no one will bother you ANY more.

(Isaac shakes his head as if rousing from a bad dream.)

Isaac: Where am I? What happened? Zac, is that you?

Taylor: (Grinning and watching his brothers, he puts his hand up as he speaks) Guys . . .

Zac: (In a Julia Child English accent) Has he gone completely mad or is he in love? (Then he laughs as he shakes his hair off of his shoulders.)

Taylor: (Teasing) How would we even know the difference? (Then, he throws his arms open to emphasize his next words.) Insane? In love? Zac, you just brought us right back to Wuthering Heights. I guess you could say that we live with a contemporary Heathcliff.

Zac: Ike is (In a dramatic voice) Heathcliff Hanson!! (Then with an sneaky grin, asks) Now, Ike, you go by your middle name, don’t you?

(Isaac and Taylor groan.)

Taylor: Next question . . .

Isaac: Thank you, Tay. (Nods as if he hears a new question.) Yes, my favorite book? Coincidentally, it’s set in the very same place as Wuthering Heights -- on the Yorkshire moors in England. And, it’s just as spooky, I might add.

Zac: Hold it, what happened to me asking the questions around here?

Taylor: (Ignores Zac’s protest.) That is a good book, Ike. The Hound of the Baskervilles (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle) reminds me, for some reason of another hound. Not the actual hideous beast that frightens people to death in that book, but the story. That book was like one huge Scooby Doo Mystery.

Isaac: The best part is the way Sherlock Holmes is always one step ahead of Watson and in this story he actually fools him when he pretends to . . .

Zac: (Interrupting as he senses the possibility of a long synopsis of the book coming over his brother) Hey Ike, you wouldn’t want to ruin the ending for me. Huh, would ya’?

Isaac: Good point. (Zac steals a wicked glance at Taylor. Taylor clears his throat and grins as he looks away.)

Taylor: Did you know that the Brontës had almost as many siblings as we do, only no Zoë. Zac, you’re the third one like Charlotte . . .

Isaac: . . . who wrote Jane Eyre.

Taylor: And Avie is like Emily, I guess, the 5th one . . .

Isaac: . . . who wrote this book. (He holds his copy up as if he were a game show host displaying it for an audience. He poses with a cheesy grin.)

Taylor: Except, a big difference is that there was only ONE guy in that family, Patrick – who would be in Jessie’s place in our family.

Isaac: You could say that they were an “artsy” group just like us though.

Taylor: They had this whole fantasy thing happening where they staged ongoing plays and even wrote poetry from these imaginary places.

Zac: They had names for each other to mask their true identities.

Isaac: Yeah, Emily was Ellis and Charlotte was Currer or something like that.

Zac: I just learned something new about us. We do the same thing. We call Taylor “Tayles” and we call Ike, “Chewbacca.”

Isaac: Okay, Animal – aren’t you glad you surf the Net or else you wouldn’t know these things about yourself or your family?

Zac: Would you quit staring at me with your glass eye, Ike. (Pretends to shiver) You’re freaking me out!

Isaac: (In a pirate’s voice.) Where’s my patch you little fool?! Shiver me timbers! You’ll walk the plank before you see the North Star rise again.

Zac: (Throws his head back defiantly and laughs) Never!

Taylor: (Begins to toss his pen in the air and catch it.) Alright. There’s this family where everything is fine. Well, actually two families with a brother and a sister . . .

Isaac: So it would be just perfect if they got together and lived happily . . .

(All together): . . . ever after.

Zac: BUT . . . Suddenly, the Dad of the first Cathy brings home this funny-looking dude . . .

Isaac: Zac, “dude?”

Zac: Yeah, what you are, only with an “e.”

Isaac: (Slaps his knee sarcastically) A dud!! Now that’s a good one! Yeah, now that’s funny.

Zac: Anyway, this kid, Heathcliff, spells trouble.

Taylor: Trouble with a capital “T.”

Isaac: That rhymes with “P” – oops, I don’t think that’s how it goes. Trouble, trouble, trouble. There’s trouble in River City!

Taylor: ANYway. Yeah, basically, the brother and sister have totally, totally the opposite reaction to their new sibling.

Isaac: Hindley hates Heathcliff's guts.

Taylor: But, Cathy falls truly . . .

Zac: madly

Isaac: deeply

Taylor: in love with him.

Zac: (singing) “I want to stand with you on a mountain. I want to (pause) talk with you on my CB. I want to live with you forever, in Milwaukee.”

Taylor: People, it’s the lost version that almost made the cut – but didn’t. You heard it here first!

Isaac: Give it up for Zac Hanson! Come on!

Taylor: (As Zac pretends to take a bow.) Ike, “come on” is my thing. (Sucks his teeth in sympathetically.) It just doesn’t work so well for you. (He shrugs.) Hey, just being honest.

Isaac: Excuse me, Bill Gates. Next thing I know you’ll have a patent on “You guys ROCK!”

Taylor: Done. Slamming my foot on the cement?

Isaac: Yes?

Taylor: Also mine.

Isaac: Oh man, why didn’t I go to the patent office as soon as Mom and Dad told me they were going to give me a brother?

Zac: (Pretends to page through his copy of the book) Guys, could we?

Taylor: Ike, pay attention. Zac and I are trying to work here.

Isaac: Do you guys even know what it’s like to be in love? Well, actually, I’m pretty sure Tay has an idea, but you, Zac?

Zac: Ike, I forgot to tell you that I secretly married one of the fans who proposed to me on the tour.

Taylor: Zac, get serious. This story is about that passion that you always look for – that you hope to find in someone else. It’s like it’s so amazingly powerful that its intensity could destroy you. At the same time, without it, you end up like the pathetic narrator in the story, Lockwood who is essentially just a spectator of life.

Isaac: A spectator, full of regrets. (He leans forward resting his chin in his hand. His eyebrows begin to bunch together as if remembering something sad.)

(Zac throws him a look of concern, then looks over at Taylor.)

Taylor: (quietly) Did you see her at the Mabee concert?

Isaac: (with difficulty) I heard that she wanted to be there, but . . .

Zac: (Helpfully) You could’ve snuck her one of the tickets we handed out to the MOE people (Taylor flashes him a warning look.).

Isaac: It’s not that . . . it was just . . .

Taylor: (Sensing what Isaac has on his mind.) Like we always say, our schedule would have come between the two of you eventually anyway and . . .

Isaac: . . . It’s just – you know, “More Than Anything . . . “?

(His brothers begin to study the floor.)

Isaac: She’s just all in that song and then . . . Man, then all of those good times we had together are just – I don’t know – right there. I guess I put up a mental block whenever I think, “She’s with . . . someone else . . .”

Zac: (Blurts out) But, they’re going to break up!

Taylor: Zac, that’s not the point.

(However, Isaac automatically turns to Taylor and gives him a significant look. Taylor grimaces as if in doubt.)

Zac: (Continues) No, it’s true. Her sister told me when we were home the last time. She’s getting ready to break up with “what’s his name.” That guy sounds like a real weirdo – not quite as dorky as Linton, in the book we’re supposed to be discussing, who Cathy marries instead of her true love, Heathcliff. (Then trying to lighten the mood.) Just the fact that she liked YOU, Ike, makes me wonder about the kind of taste she had to begin with . . . (laughs awkwardly)

Isaac: (weakly) Thanks, buddy. Linton really cared about Cathy, but when a person doesn’t feel the connection in the same way that you do . . .

Taylor: Whenever it was time for, your eh solo, I would say a little prayer for you. I mean, it always made me think of – well, you guys know who I’m talking about – so, I was thinking, “That’s got to be torture for him.” A song like that is like starting an oil gusher inside you. Your feelings oozing in every direction . . .

Zac: Blecch – covered in Ike feelings again. (Pretends to wipe something from his arms.)

Taylor: Zac, remember how you felt when we found that baby hummingbird that we called Reepicheep? And we tried to keep her warm and feed her with a straw?

Zac: We weren’t a very good Mother Bird.

Taylor: Remember how you felt when I reached in my pocket and told you the baby wasn’t moving any more?

Zac: I was pretty young, but it was the first time that my heart felt kind of funny – like I couldn’t breathe because it suddenly felt – eh, huge.

Taylor: Like you were going to explode.

Isaac: Uh-huh, it’s kind of like that. Only it’s not just being sad. I mean, you probably don’t think about how much you miss the way she had of finding you whenever she thought of a funny story she knew only you would get, or the way she would reach for your arm when she wanted to silently show you something she noticed. Or that time our families went on a field trip together and the two of us just ended up making that weird video documentary on cloud patterns.

Zac: Nope, I don’t remember doing any of that stuff with our Baby Bird. (Smiling) Kidding. I’m kidding. After living with you guys, this love stuff is going to be old news for me.

Taylor: The weird thing is that when it happens, it feels like you’re the only one – it’s only you and that special person that you know you will love now and forever, until time is done.

Isaac: (Grinning as he begins to sing “I Don’t Know All I Know” by AdmiralTwin) “All I know is that forever is a sacrifice endeavor . . .”

Taylor: (continuing) “Into people, into places, sharing complicated spaces . . .”

Zac: “. . . When the smiling happy faces go away . . .”

Together: “There will still be a happiness we feel (Zac bursting out dramatically) TOGETHER!”

Taylor: When you truly care about someone, you feel like a completely new person. It’s hard to describe. You feel like there are tons of things you never knew about yourself and tons you still have to find out about the other person.

Isaac: I know you’re not a baby, Zac. But if you ever want to know if what you’re feeling is real . . . Tay and I aren’t exactly experts, but we’re here for you.

Zac: Oh my God – that was so touching!

Taylor: The weird thing is that it’s like the oldest emotion on earth and yet it feels completely new each time.

Zac: You guys get kind of sappy when you’re thinking about girls, but I just hope I don’t get mental like that Heathcliff guy in the book.

Isaac: I was just thinking about how my first girlfriend happened when nobody cared about Hanson. Zac, I just hope people will leave you alone.

Taylor: Well, that is all just part of it. However, Zac is so ugly, he won’t have to worry about having a girlfriend until we retire. Then you can meet a cute girl at the Burger King counter.

Zac: I guess you’re still bitter about Aimee Osbourne dumping you, huh, Tay?

Taylor: Ouch, Zac – that hurt. (smirking)

Isaac: You’re like RumorBoy over there, Zac.

Zac: Hey, it’s Rumor-MAN now. Can’t you tell my voice is already changing? (Singing with his arms in a choir boy position) Do-Re-Mi-Fa-Sol

Taylor: Hey, you, come back with our brother – I don’t want to be the only one singing the higher notes.

Zac: Okay, so we can just forget even trying to talk about this book any more . . . Tay, you’re going to have to come up with something for Mom when she asks us about it.

Taylor: Tell me, Zac, what is the thing you remember most about the book?

Zac: Basically, there’s a mother and daughter – both named Cathy – who both have unbelievably bad luck with guys.

Isaac: It’s essentially about, yeah, passion – which is what you said earlier, Tay.

Taylor: Right. And didn’t we talk about that?

Isaac: Cathy and Heathcliff are extremes who end up allowing their passions to consume them and then haunt other people after they die. In the end, though, the daughter, Cathy is able to find true love.

Taylor: I don’t know. The ending seemed a little too, perfect. I mean, what was Cathy thinking? Her mom and her mom’s lover running around Wuthering Heights as ghosts and she still decides to stick around to marry – what? – her only other cousin?

Isaac: Now that’s definitely weird.

Zac: If I were Cathy, Jr, I’d catch the next yellow submarine the heck out of the Moors – away from Wuthering Heights, away from anyone even remotely related to me at all!

Taylor: Not that anyone in this family has ever felt that way (goofy grin).

Isaac: Hey, guys, thanks for, eh, listening.

Zac: That’s our job . . . Anytime, dude!

Isaac: (Raising an eyebrow) Dude status again?

Zac: (Jumps up as if he has to go to the bathroom.) Hey guys, I’ll be right back. Don’t miss me.

Isaac: You know that new song you were trying out last night on the keyboards, let’s try to work in some . . . (His cell phone rings. Taylor shrugs. Isaac pulls the phone out of his pocket and extends the wire.) Hello?

Zac: (From the phone in the kitchen) “You’ve gotta’ keep on trying even though, the road gets hard . . . You’ve gotta’ keep going on, even though she broke your heart . . .”

Taylor: (Laughing) He kept on trying till his call got through . . .

Isaac: (Hitting the off button) Our brother has a sick, sick mind.

Taylor: (Still chuckling) It’s from constant exposure to, I don’t know, Puff Greenie, do you have any ideas?

(Zac comes running in from the other room)

Zac: Mom’s home! Get busy!

Taylor: If this were a fanfiction story, she’d be bringing a new baby sitter here who would just happen to be – none other than – the person we were discussing earlier.

Isaac: Yeah, those stories are pretty good.

(Mrs. Hanson calls from the other door. The guys rush into the kitchen as she’s coming through the door carrying a huge suitcase, followed by Mackie and someone carrying Zoë. All three guys’ stop in their tracks while their jaws seem to drop to the floor. Zac starts to giggle. Mrs. Hanson seeks out Isaac and gives him a reassuring smile before she speaks.)

Mrs. Hanson: Would you believe, I found this poor lost soul wandering around LAX when I went to pick up our suitcase that the airline sent to Burmese, all-expenses paid? Someone was supposed to be meeting her from UCLA, but never showed. (Turns to their guest) So, you’re thinking of leaving our beloved plains of OK, to go to college hundreds of miles away in sunny CA? Thank God I was there – I’m calling your mother to tell her that you’re safe with us.

Their guest: (She laughs softly.) Did I tell you that I’m majoring in math? So let me know if you guys ever get tired of Ash and need a new tutor.

(Her little joke causes Isaac to look up quickly after painfully avoiding eye contact. He hesitates, as if to ask a question, then their eyes linger an instant before breaking into relieved smiles. Mrs. Hanson breathes a silent sigh then reaches for the phone while Taylor and Zac unfreeze themselves to come over and greet their old Tulsa friend.)

NOTE: This chat is dedicated to Amanda and Jenn -- my two online buddies who requested this awesome book -- and who ultimately made it possible. Thank you guys!